aqua8601's Blog

Oh Big Deal

So, today was a weird and awkward day for me and my girlfriend. We drove her son to a counseling session and when we got there I couldn't be in the office, but her son was in the waiting area talking on the phone with some important people. I couldn't go in the office where my girlfriend went into cause it was a private situation. So, I was gonna wait in the waiting area but she told me not to be near her son. I'm thinking is cause she didn't want me to be near him to make him uncomfortable me there as he talk on the phone. So, anyways I go somewhere else to give him his privacy. When he finished, he was calling out for me and so I came back and chilled with him till he was called by the counselor. She comes out and was coming down on me. I left again cause apparently she didn't want me near him at all, but that's not how I felt she expressed to me. Then once he was called, she called out to me and what I felt was to make a huge deal out of this and badger me. Like isn't it enough? I've been badgered for two weeks by her. Constantly, this is wrong, that is wrong, you didn't do this or that. I don't like this or that. It's like damn woman, leave me alone already! So, anyways, I told her that I was sorry and that I must have misinterpret what she was saying, I made a mistake. She obviously didn't want an apology cause she kept saying to stop apologizing. I didn't know what else she wanted me to do or say. Then another complaint came about where she feels our communication is messed up, but I don't feel our lack of communication should be blamed solely on me, she doesn't communicate that well. After I kept apologizing and her not accepting it I just said she was making a big deal out of it. She got mad and walked away. I went to the bathroom and when I came out she appears, to use the bathroom. Then she comes out and sits in front of me just sitting there quiet and showing how pissed off she was. I felt so uncomfortable but pissed off at her. Then she came at me with she felt I was downing how she felt, that she wanted to figure out how we can communicate better and I told her I felt like she was badgering me and coming at me. She says I'm just being defensive and I thought maybe I am cause I'm feeling attacked. And she just sat there and called me a liar. And I'm telling her well that's how I feel. Then I thought I can call you a liar for all the crap you been complaining about this past 2 weeks. So I'm telling her that it's impossible to have perfect communication and I even told her ways she could have said it. She totally ignored it and just kept badgering me about how she asked me to not be around her son. I'm still saying how sorry I was and that it was a mistake, I misheard her and she kept going and going. Then she managed to get me to walk away by saying I wasn't acting like a girlfriend and just acting like a dude. She steadily throughout our relationship comparing me to a dude and I'm supposed to sit there and take those lashes? Not at all, I walked outside and stayed out there till her son's session was over. I'm still not sure what she expected from me. I made a mistake and apologized for it. I'm not perfect, never pretended I was. And to top it all off for these two weeks I have highly depressed, which she knows, I'm even seeing a therapist. I'm starting to feel like ever since I started being depressed she's been on my case. I was outside screaming to the sky "lord don't let me ever be depressed" she also complaining I'm not cooking, why can't she cook? I'm just starting to feel like she's extremely selfish. None of these issues she now has with me never came about before my depression, it's like she festered things to use as weapons when I'm down. I don't know, but I'm glad she's not here tonight as she went for a sleep study, so I'm feeling extremely less tensed right now, like I can breath and relax. Even when she was about to leave she wanted me to wish her well and I'm like in my state I don't feel like saying a damn thing. Then I was like I can't think of nothing nice to say to you right now and she shoots back at me that someone who cared about my well being would. And I'm like funny you should say that when I definitely don't feel like you give 2 sh!ts about mine. Complaints and issues after another. Like haven't it accurd to you that maybe I'm not all the way there right now? Maybe you're putting a toll on me where I can't think or hear straight? Have you even thought of what you could be doing wrong. No right it's all my fault. "Sigh" well, imma enjoy this night alone and do whatever I want without her breathing down my neck. I'm gonna do things I can't do when she's around. Aaaaah, freedom. It feels good. It'll feel even better when the apartment landlord calls me to let me know when I can move in. It's time I get off this train.

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Oh Big Deal, posted December 19th, 2012

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